This blog is a personal account of the journey of Paul Zaidman and Cheryl Smith dating back to March 2005 when we first were recruited to sail onboard the QE2 as dancers, performers and teachers. What started as a 4 month contract turned into almost two years as we progressed to the number 1 cruiseline, Crystal Cruises. This blog was updated regularly with photos and stories.  We are now back in Melbourne Australia and heading off to Israel for a wedding & holiday in Tel Aviv. (June 14 - July 1, 2010)

Depression ..... dealing with our stuff.....

At 18 years of age I reported to my local doctor with "stomach complaints" he told me it was a virus and to go home and rest.  Several weeks and 10 kilos later, I went back and told him of my continuing troubles.  He took a longer look at me this time and rubbed his chin in an unusual way.  Normally, he judges an illness quickly and moves to write a script or log my visit.  This time, he stopped, he reached for a drawer next to his desk and pulled out a business card. He said "I'm going to recommend you to a specialist" as he handed me this card hesitantly, THANK GOD I thought, finally someone can DO SOMETHING about my stomach!  But when I looked at the card I was shocked to see the word "Psychiatrist" in big green letters.

At first I was in mortified, then outraged, then I just felt numb.  I took myself off to see this small chinese psychiatrist in a very small office in the suburbs and he proceeded to ask me questions, many questions, questions that didnt seem relevant to my stomach. 

I remember describing my world as "completely grey" no color, everything was just grey.  My skin felt grey and even the things I wore were actually grey, looking back at the photos, I was pale, drawn, skinny and very very grey.  He didnt "diagnose" me as such but he suggested I come back and see him the next week.  After regular weekly visits and several years later I realised I was actually severely depressed and probably in the middle of what they called back then a "nervous breakdown".

I had one main phobia that ruled my life and without going into the morbid details (I will save that little treasure for another time) I was plagued by fear, anxiety and stress.  After several years of therapy I understood my fears came from early trauma in my childhood and teen years relating to my family and a very theatrical divorce with loads of alcohol and some violence.  My phobias stayed with me for quite a while and I developed a secondary phobia, one that makes me giggle now, I had a fear of flying and fear of being on a ship.  Anyone who knows me now, knows that I have since travelled the world and did alot of it dancing on a cruiseship!

Back when I was 18 (over 20 years ago now) the help available for depression was fairly limited, actually I believe my GP was quite forward thinking in giving me a referral so early in the piece; but then again, he did know my family and blind freddy could have told you there would be fallout from our situation, I just didnt know it was going to be me!

During my years of therapy, I learned what I now believe to be the most valuable skill you can learn in life. The process of self enquiry.  Without our physical health, we have nothing, without understanding our minds and having good mental health, we have no physical health and therefore we have nothing. Through the process of traditional therapy, I learned to make connections between my stress/anxiety and the trauma that had happened to me earlier. I also learned to see things in perspective; that the horror of my previous life was gone and I was no longer in danger and there was no need for fear.  I learned to deal with my irrational fears and my hidden, very dark, anger powerfully. 

My symptoms manifested in my body, many illnesses, some random, some re-occuring and I learned to see my symptoms as metaphors for what was really ailing me.  It was tough to look so openly at my life and take responsibility for it.  It would have been so easy to give into the illnesses and blame them on someone or something else. It would have been so easy to have taken medication for my physical illness and my mental illness.  But somehow, I knew, deep down in my gut, at the very heart of my being, I knew that the answers lay within me and if I had the courage to look, really look, I would find the peace I so desperately needed.

Looking back to those dreary, fearful days I realise I did one key thing that would change the course of my life.  My Doctor (psych) offered me anti-depressants, I took them on the first night after seeing him and just about flipped out, I had a very bad reaction to being on drugs and spent the whole night in terror, pacing about in my effort to work off the effects of what I considered the worst trip of my life.  I went back immediately to my doctor and told him, "no way am I taking drugs, I have to do this without them".  My depression was actually related to drugs and alcohol (not mine, my families) and my body rejected the mere thought of taking drugs.  Once I discovered they weren't an option, I came up with creative, interesting and alternative methods to ease my suffering.

I commenced the process of self enquiry with vigor, I read as many books as I could, to find out how our brains worked. I studied Freud and Carl Jung, they were fascinating scientists of the mind and their views are permanently imprinted in my brain.  I went to self development courses, I attended meditation courses, metaphysical courses, anything so I could find out more information about this curious mind and body I had been given. As my psych came to know me, he exclaimed "Cheryl, you are one of the hardest working patients I have known", I didnt know how significant that was at the time but now I realise, I took my healing into my hands and it gave me power!

It seemed like a while before I emerged from within the dark cloud where I lived.  I took my health as the priority in my life, I avoided doing things that were bad for my mental state and I avoided people who were negative most of the time.  I did many things to get myself back to the happy, easy going, high spirited kid I was before my family life turned to a horror story.

At the age of 26 I knew I was well. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, life was beautiful, the sun was shining, the birds were singing and the world was a wonderful place.  Finally, I had healed, finally I was happy and boy did I feel grateful for the journey. It was a tough 8 years, most of them documented in journals that I dont have the courage to read, but it was an amazing experience that I would do all over again to come out where I am now and to have the life that I now have.

You see, I got the most valuable gift of all, a unique gift that you cannot buy in a store, actually, its not even one you can purchase, there's no money that can by this gift and no two gifts are the same.  I got the gift of my life, I got the key to the door that creates my happiness and it will never go away, no-one can take it from me, I will never forget it and it can never run out, it will stay with me for the rest of my life and it will flow out to those around me until the day I die. 

The irony of it was that as I became well, my family slid into a deep dark depression that I could not reach them, let alone shine my light on them.  I suffered "survivor guilt" I had survived my family circumstance and I was free, free to be happy and healthy as I watched my family crumble around me.  It was a dual edged sword, confusing at the very least and desperately heart breaking to watch such misery whilst treasured my happiness.  I struggled for a while with this gift I had been given... Why me? What did I do to deserve such a gift? Why did I get to be so happy when others were so desperately unhappy.

I look back now and I realise I was very courageous in my illness.  I felt the fear of dealing with my lifes circumstance but I had the courage to go into that dark, dank closet and find out my innermost thoughts, deepest fears and dreadful, dreadful way of seeing the world.  I faced up to my life, what it was and what it wasn't, I took a massive stocktake of what my life had been, what had happened to me and I took responsibility for all those things.  I stopped hating my family, I forgave them for the unspeakable things that happened to me, I took on the mantra "I might have had a tough time but I will not be a victim on my circumstance" and I stepped over the threshold from the life that was to the life that I could create. 

I'm not saying it was easy or it was delightful by any stretch of the immagination, in fact, it was arduous, it was exhausting, it was lonely and frightening but at the end of all that pain, I got the key, the key to the door of my life and I now know how to drive it.

And the gift didnt stop there, I was blessed with another amazing gift and that was FAITH. I'm not talking the specific religous kind of faith where I have to say "I'm a xxxx" and label myself as part of a specific, highly recognisable group of faith.  No I am talking about the kind of faith that no matter what happens to me, I will survive and I will be ok.  Just overwhelming feeling that life is a good place and good things do happen, even though there are bad things, its not all bad, it wont be like that forever and life is good.

Even the most horrible things, we can survive, we do heal, we do recover and we, for some freak of nature, we grow. Human beings are incredible things, you throw stuff at us and we LEARN from them.  And that's exactly what I did, I learned about me, about my brain, about my issues, about my reactions to my issues and learned most of all, how to deal with all of it. 

I believe that when you have the courage to look your "stuff" in the eye and deal with whats happened in your life, you get to let go of it all, you get to step over the other side into this amazing life that someone meant for us to live.  Its kind of like a test I think, to have the courage to honour the thing we have been given. This life of ours, to have the guts to really delve deep into the bowels of our being and deal with it, when you put in the work, you do get the rewards, I really believe that now.

Stuff happens to all of us, everyone has a story, I could go on about mine forever, drag it around with me like an old suit, show it to people whenever I want their attention, use it as an excuse for not being the most amazing human being I can be.  Stuff happens, the key I believe is to deal with it and not let it stop you from living an amazing life.  Here are some of the things I did to deal with my stuff...

1. I wrote... alot, about my thoughts, my feelings etc.  I didnt have the courage to tell others what I was going through but I just had to get it OUT!
2. I accepted help.... I admitted I didnt know what was happening, nor did I know how to deal with it. I accepted help from someone and something who knew more than me
3. I took responsibility.... I didnt just talk to my psych and then do nothing until our next visit, I was VERY ACTIVE, I read, I studied, I researched, I watched documentaries, I became fascinated with the human mind and devoured information about our psyche (and I still do)
4. I didnt take drugs ..... I believed the drugs would block the issues from coming up. I wanted to see them for all their glory. I didnt want anything to numb me, I wanted to feel the sting and deal with it
5. I took time to heal.... I made sure I had time in my life for my healing.  I thought of it like a new project in my life, I needed to allocate time to learn about it, practice the new skill and then put it to use.  I didnt take on other things whilst I was unwell, I minimised my commitments and focused on getting better
6. I did things that made me happy.... I put myself in situations that made me laugh, smile and energized me. I danced, it took away my negative thoughts, I spent alot of time in the presence of music, happy, uplifting music, I walked on the beach, I sat in the sun, I slept and ate well, simple things, basic things
7. I never toted my depression as an excuse for something.... actually I never told anyone.  I dont know if thats a wise idea but I didnt put it forward as a reason for something. I just accepted my situation, dealt with it and OWNED it, it was my gig and I had to handle it
8. I kept going to my appointments.... even when I didnt have anything to say, when everything felt like it was going well, I didnt cancel any appointments. I dont know why, I just didnt. There were many days when I wanted to cancel but I just kept going. It turned out to be one of the best things I could do in my effort to get well and that was to keep doing what works

I'm sure there are other things I did and I wont stop writing about them so dont worry, if there is something missing off this list, you can be guaranteed it will come up somewhere else.  I hope you have gotten something out of reading this blog, it is intensely personal and some would think it should be private but I survived a debilitating depression, without medication and I have grown so so much as a result.  I am now happy and have been for over 20 years (except when my father died but thats another story) I share this story with you so that you may see something that will help you be happy.

Cheryl Smith - Auust 7, 2010

Big Girlie Brunch 

July 25th, 2010 

The irony of life smacks you right in the face every day if you let yourself see it!  On our way to the Big Girlie Brunch in Albert Park, my carpooling comrade shared her story about a recent event she had organized that left her very upset.

“We arranged a dinner for my brother’s birthday, grandma cooking, all the family there, big family event” my carpooling associate exclaimed with utmost exuberance.  “My brother was late so we called to see where he was only to find out he was at the pub and had decided he wasn’t coming”.

My carpooling co-mate became outraged and went on to ramble at length about the injustice he had done upon the family, the upset he had caused, the frustration the annoyance, the disrespect.  My carpooling co-worker was beside herself with outrage and was working herself to a state where tears were just around the corner.

I listened intently, I do believe in serendipity* I knew her words, albeit full of upset, emotion and pain, somehow were relevant to the bigger picture of my day. I resisted the urge to join her mantra of the injustice of people letting you down. I listened for the hidden opportunity in this and just as my carpooling chum worked herself to the final crescendo, I saw the mirror of the days blessing. 

There we were, on our way to our Big Girlie Brunch that started out as a birthday celebration for one of our students turning 50.  Two days before the brunch our birthday girl let us know that she couldn’t make it to the brunch.  My thoughts instantly turned to the dozen women we had invited and the communication issues related with letting them know we would cancel. 

I then looked for the hidden opportunity in this, I thought “what reason do we have to celebrate, there must be something” right about then, the phone rang and Telstra politely informed me out of 4000 very successful business women, I had made the short list for the Telstra Business Woman of the Year awards!  I thought, that’s it! That’s what we will celebrate, women in business, women who have inspired me, women I have inspired, just amazing women!

I set about inviting ladies to the brunch, the net widened as I thought of all the wonderful women I knew.  I had limited time so I am sure I missed many but the invites went out and the ladies turned up 2 days later.  Actually, lots of them, more than we had originally planned for the Birthday Brunch. 

We shared a few hours in the glorious sunshine, perving on the middle-aged-lyrca-clad-cyclists as they whizzed past. We cackled like chickens and gaggled like geese at every comical story.  Our hearts filled with joy as we shared our stories, only positive energy was at this table, not a single complaint. No problems were issued, only stories of triumph, how we have dealt with life’s consequences and how being at the Big Girlie Brunch was a triumph in itself.

The group was left with a sense of love, admiration, inspiration, joy and overwhelming happiness, we all walked away with a zing in our step, a song in our hearts and a sense of connection to other amazing people.

My carpooling comrade saw the link, she twigged at the connection, she felt the shift and saw the similarity in our Big Girlie Brunch to her Brothers Birthday Debacle.  Life deals you circumstances; they will always be there, its’ how you choose to handle them that makes the difference.

We could have cancelled the brunch, we could have complained, been upset, we could have not scheduled another brunch because “people are unreliable” as my carpooling crony would have had me believe. But what we did instead was find another reason to be happy, to connect with humans, to bring joy into this world and the result was absolutely incredible.

Next time you are confronted with circumstance that appears on the surface to be negative, see if you can find the hidden opportunity, I believe it’s always there. Happiness is a choice.

*Dictionary.com Serendipity - “an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident”

Cheryl Smith

July 3rd, 2010

Israel is an amazing place and it's definitely not what the world media reports. They are very much like Aussies, they love to drink, love to party, are surprisingly friendly. The Israeli Army is interesting to observe. Men and Women must serve their country. Women serve for 2 years and Men for 3. The only way to avoid service is if you are married (women only), pregnant or disabled in some way.  You can refuse to serve, however, when you do the government cuts off all access to other services like getting a loan, having the power put on in your apartment, getting a mobile phone, getting a drivers licence, you know, just standard things. 

The funny thing about the Israeli Army is that you see all these "normal" looking people walking about in their uniforms and then you look down and see sandals! You know, thongs as we call them in Australia.  They are so hot over there and so relaxed about the army that they wear their long flowing brunette hair out and they wear thongs! (the girls that is). Its kinda sexy when you see them with a big M16 gun too!  The best thing is they are really open out their Army experience, they chat to you openly, talk about what its like and being the curious Aussie that I am it felt ok to ask them all sorts of questions.  There were these mean looking Army dudes though, they were the ones in combat boots, they kinda smelled funny and had this mean look in their eye, I didnt feel comfortable asking them anything!

I wont bore you with the details of the entire trip, just this quick summary of the highlights and lowlights and of course the funny things Paul got up to.  Actually this time, Kelly outdid him with funny things, she made me giggle like  never before and it was a delight to spend 2 whole weeks with two of my favorite people!

July 2010 Why men are terrified of dance Our day on board the Crystal Symphony My man with a muffin top Why men always break things Highlights of DANCECAMP Fashion Faux Pas in Hong Kong My sister spent the night in a bomb shelter	Rock & Roll is way good for the soul! What a way to celebrate a birthday! Living your dream I danced with BRYAN WATSON! Photos Mediterranean Only in Siciliy! Santorini Greece Doing the Med properly this time Internationa Shoppers Nightmare Life, Death and Sunshine Family	Roughest oceans world! Cruising the Amazon Rio De Janiero, Brazil Buenos Aires, Argentina Bon Voyage Again! The Caribbean Greetings from St Lucia Antigua, West Indies Moped in St Martin Panama Canal	Our First Blog Nine sleeps till departure Three sleeps till departure Hello! From the QE2! Meet Sharlene and Gino Carting old folks round It's official, we rock!
No.1 Question.... So how was the trip? A dancers life Enroute to Costa Rica Cartagena Columbia Somewhere between Equador and ... Favorite Guest Comments 40 Hours in transit 3 Frisks a day keeps the ...... away! Here we come again Everyone needs a holiday Benefits of dance Dance Hosts - Interview with ABC (Australia) The thing I love about dancing...	My Famous cousin, the photographer Six Days off! HOTPANTS Brigade, My first steps (student story) Give Blood The HUMMER is here! What it's like being a dance teacher? Outstanding results! The power of dreams Almost home Crazy Melbourne Weather Dancesport Championships Funny times in Melbourne Happy Silly Season	Our first day - Crystal Our first time in Alaska British Columbia Juneau Alaska Sitka Alaska Strike Again! Funny Paul Mexican Riviera Mazatlan Mexican Hurricane President Bush - Crystal Happy halloween Devils Island, Brazil	We love you asbestos we can Crepes - south of France Naples the mafia city Welcome to Copenhagen Passenger feedback Virus attack Sicily and Norway Virus continues Sunshine after the storm Voted No.1 on the QE2 Fabulous Fjords The Vitality of Cruisers Greetings from Iceland

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